Walopun Bahasa Inggrisku amburadul ga jelas grammarnya, semoga pesannya bisa sampai.
Been a long time since I wrote my latest letter. And the first time I decided to join this #30harimenulissuratcinta thingy, I just thought my first love letter should goes to You. Yes, You, dear Lord. Even after these 2 days I still don't know what to write. My mind get blank in a sudden, all I want to say just dissapeared. Feel like a young girl going to send a love letter to her crush. I typed typed and typed, then I deleted it. And type again.
Am I falling in love to You? This thought brings my memory back to IYC moment, when that night we have a session called DATING WITH GOD. We gathered at a room at 10pm, we watched movies about You and then a leader asked us a question. "When is the first time you fell in love with God? Who is willing to be the first person who wants to share?" I was thinking for a few minutes, then suddenly I raise my right hand. Actually, I don't know who raised it. I was surprised myself too. Weird.
"Thank you, please tell us", the leader responded.
Oh my God, what am I doing? Why did I raise my hand? What should I say then? It's few seconds of silence. Then my tongue started to talk.
I remember that time I was sharing bout my dad. How I remembered when I was a kid, I don't know since when, He no longer go to church with us. He started to play cards with his friends, got drunk, and I still remember those years, when I don't feel like living in what people called as a home. It's not home, it's such a hell. Fights every single day, Mom and Dad yelled at each other, slaps, divorce things, Dad hitted mom, then go out for few days, mom cried, she locked herself at her room and I do still remember how afraid I was, thought mom might be suicide, I took a chair and climbed up and peered into her bedroom to check if she still alive. Yes, I was that afraid. I was just an 8 years old girl that time.
And for many years, I don't even dare to imagine that someday Daddy would repent and we go to church together, like any other normal family. I've never imagine it. But then miracle happened. In 2008 Daddy has his 2nd baptism and our life changed in a blink of an eye. He quitted smoke, he started to read Bible, and the thing I never imagine, we go to church together. And now, he's one of the 'diakon' at his church. No more violence, he's armed with patience, and I'm out of words. That's the first time I fell in love with You.
You do exist. You patiently showed me what I thought impossible is possible for You. Yes, I'm in love with You, Lord. Not only once. I fell in love for many times, again and again. But fortunately, just like any girls who's in love with a boy, I'm still looking for another boy that might impress me. And I cheated many times, though.
It's funny to remember who I was. You changed me. I remembered about 2 years ago, I was the girl who 'allergic' listening to gospels. I went to church, I did worships, but it's just a routine. Then I surprised myself how I addicted to gospels. How I feel every words in the songs, and feel so stupid ever thought that way.
And again, still I cheated on You. How I was on fire reading the Bible, did Bible Meditation and share it with some friends, but sometimes, again, I forget it. How then I forgot Your commandments, one by one, I ruined it. I hurted You even more. Many times I thought how I selfish I am, how I was not feasible to talk to You. How many times I thought you left me alone with my problems, my friends left me, all I do is useless, I slumped.
But then You lifted me up and say “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.". Thank You, Lord. Thank You Jesus. Nothing can be said but thank you. Thank God I was and remain blessed abundantly. Thank you for the outstretched hand on my every fall. Fallout that often I made with my own selfishness. Shutted my ears to hear the warning, closed my eyes to see Your signs. Thank you Lord, for another open door when I've gone too far astray.
Sorry for every second that I wasted forgetting You, sorry for my closed ear to hear Your Holy Spirit that whispered, sorry for every soul that knowing You wrong by seeing me, sorry for everything that I did that hurted You, sorry for every broken heart I made to You, to everyone, sorry. Please forgive me and thank you for those second, third, thousanth chance You gave me. Teach me everyday, slap me when I'm out of Your way, use me as Your will. Please don't stop loving me. Please, Lord. Thank You for everything.
your poor daughter,